A heap of thankfulness

"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them; who keeps truth forever, who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners." (Psalm 146:5-7)

I heard Dennis Jernigan pray at least once and ask God to show us where we'd be if Jesus hadn't rescued us. I think I heard him pray this at a concert or two, and I'm pretty sure also on a worship tape/cd. He has a crazy-awesome testimony, and God lifted him out of a crazy mire, cleaned him off, healed him up, and now Dennis Jernigan has been pointing other people to God our Healer.

So, God has shown me at least once where I'd be if I hadn't let Jesus rescue me. They weren't pretty scenes. From what I understand, the devil had a plan A and a plan B for me (and probably plenty of others), but these top two strategies for wiping Tirzah off the face of the earth would have been plenty effective, if God hadn't intervened, and if I hadn't let Him intervene. I hope you don't mind me writing about topics that are this grisly, but, well... this is my online journal. You're welcome to read it, especially if it points you to God and/or helps you connect with Him. Considering the subject matter that I'm about to share, please keep in mind that if you struggle with any of these issues, reader, I don't think you're a terrible person. I'm not making fun of you. I just believe that worshiping anything or anyone besides God is sin, and I choose to let God help me get rid of sin in my life, and I choose to let Him get rid of the things that have driven me to sin. God loves you, and He wants you, and He wants to help you, just like He loves me, wants me, and wants to help me.

A few years ago, I told coworkers that if I hadn't gotten saved, "I'd be in prison for cooking up drugs for my morbidly obese girlfriend." Unfortunately, I think the devil's plan A for my life would have been much worse than that. In my early teens, I wanted to grow up to become a veterinarian, but I was told that I should probably become a pharmacist instead. So, my academic career was focused on becoming a pharmacist. I even had an interview with the UT pharmacy school with a professor/dean who was extremely cynical of my aspirations until she saw my grades. Halfway through my senior year of high school, my pharmacy plans changed abruptly when I decided to pursue my writing hobby as a career instead.

Fast-forward to 3 months ago, I was getting a prescription filled at a pharmacy (in preparation for going on a magic wisdom-teeth carpet ride). During the wait, I saw the pictures of the pharmacists hanging on the wall. Then God showed me the devil's plan A in grim detail. More than likely, if I had never gotten saved, my picture would have been hanging on a pharmacy wall somewhere, but I would not have been female anymore. I would have had a sex change operation, and any stronghold/iniquity software programmed inside me to carry out a suicide attempt would have been successful because, well, as a pharmacist, I would have had ready access to all sorts of drugs. If I hadn't gotten saved, I would have more than likely become a male pharmacist who would have successfully committed suicide.

Of course, I'm extremely thankful to Jesus for rescuing me, for wanting me, for uninstalling my stronghold/iniquity software, and for training me to turn to Him during a crisis. I'm also extremely thankful that God my Daddy created me to be a woman, and I wouldn't change my gender for anything. I'm extremely thankful to the Holy Spirit for showing me these things, for empowering me to live life His way, and for drawing me close to His bosom where I can receive a heap of desperately needed healing. So, another one of the devil's plans bites the dust.

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment." (Proverbs 18:1)

Recently, I've become fascinated with episodes of Hoarder shows on YouTube. (I don't have cable or rabbit ears, because life is cheaper and simpler that way, so YouTube has become a good friend.) These types of shows used to bother me, because they really are about disturbing things, but lately I've been glued to YouTube. To me, it's fascinating to see the psychological aspect and effects of turning a piece of junk into an object of worship. Logically, if you have a heap of things that you never use, you should probably sell the things, give them away, or throw them away. That's one thing that eBay, friends/relatives, and Dumpsters are for. But people who hoard compulsively are psychologically attached to their things, to the degree that they will fight to keep them in their unhealthily crowded house.

While I was watching one of these episodes, God told me, "That was the devil's plan B for you." I'm not exactly sure if I would have been an unsaved hoarder or if I would have been a Christian in bondage to hoarding, but I think that means that the devil's plan B for me was to become a compulsive hoarder. I would have worshiped stuff, to the point of hiding behind it and freaking out anytime anyone would try to help me dispose of it.

Looking back on my life, I can see the ingredients. When I was a little girl, I shared a room with a sibling that was a complete disaster area, with toys strewn everywhere, and with very little parental discipline to keep the room clean. After I graduated from college, I pretty much accepted every junk gift that was offered to me ("I was going to throw this away, unless you want it." "Ooh, it's free. Sure, I'll take it."). I remember one time after I moved, I just threw all my stuff on my side of my roommate's room and closet, and I don't think I really organized it. The clutter just sat there, and I didn't care. And I was depressed. As the years passed, relatives would deliver boxes of new clutter-junk to my apartment, which had clutter piles everywhere.

One time while I was in college, I decided to get rid of most of my cassette collection because I didn't feel the secular music was good for me to listen to anymore, and I thought maybe I could sell it and pay off some debt. The people I lived with forbade this because it was mine or because it was wasteful or something -- I don't exactly remember. But I remember finally giving the music to a sibling. In retrospect, I find it quite alarming that I wasn't allowed to dispose of my own things.

Now I understand more than ever why God wanted me to move completely on my own last year. I threw away heaps of unwanted items, and I haven't missed any of them. Once, I even got a talking-to from a Dumpster-diver about throwing away my things. (I'm guessing he frequently visited Dumpsters to hunt for items, because he was wearing rubber gloves, and he parked his vehicle next to the Dumpster. I'm curious as to why he briefly lectured me instead of thanking me for depositing all that free stuff, but whateva.) Now, I don't have any problems throwing junk away (even if it's good quality stuff that I probably should have sold), I don't have relatives forbidding me from throwing my own stuff away, and I don't have friends/relatives who regularly deposit heaps of stuff on my property. I don't have heaps of junk to hide behind, I don't stare at things and dream of what I could do with them anymore, and -- from what I understand and hope -- I don't worship things.

Also, have I mentioned lately that I'm a crazy cat lady? Perhaps I could have become a crazy cat hoarder as well. At any rate, I'm glad their vet bills and pet deposits are expensive, or I might own way more than 2 felines today.

God made these changes inside me. I'm extremely thankful that He rescued me from what could have become a major bondage to hoarding. Selling things, giving things away, and especially throwing things away (that last one truly is a major pleasure) is, I think, a healthy, exhilarating feeling. As Macho would say, "Wow."

I'm also extremely thankful that God seems to be restoring me back to the way things were many years ago, the way things are supposed to be now. When I was about 6 years old, before I moved into the messy room of the sibling, I had my own room, which I remember keeping organized, and which I remember getting in trouble for decorating with puffy Garfield stickers on the closet door. One of my strengths is "maximizer." I think apathy is one enemy to being a maximizer: If other people don't care, why should I? If I was evicted from my room, where I took care of my things, and coerced into living in an environment where things weren't taken care of, why should I care at all? Another one of my strengths is "adaptability," which is probably an opposite of being a maximizer, but trust me, it works, because basically, God designed me to be flexible. But what He didn't design me to do was forsake my sexuality. He did not intend for me to adapt to a new gender. He intends for me to discover how He created me, who I really am, who I really am in Christ, and to go for it, with His help. Boy, am I glad God wants to help me. I would truly be a goner without Him.

I am a girl, I am a woman, I am female, I am heterosexual, I like men, and I am extremely thankful for that. I hate clutter, I have a small chores routine, I am still learning how to keep a clean living space, and I am extremely thankful for that, too.

At the beginning of this post, I shared a photo of my real-life Garfield and Nermal enjoying a snack. All I had to do was whisper, "Midnight snacky," and Macho trilled, "Mmm."