What I learned while working with certain people

This post is kindasorta related to this older post, but not completely. I experienced the things in this post while working at certain jobs and on certain non-employment ministry teams. I think I can communicate my experiences/opinions best in this post by kindasorta fictionalizing certain situations. Some situations will be rolled up into one... kindasorta like a kaleidoscope.

WHAT WE MIGHT THINK GOD IS LIKE, ACT I

Me: (smiling) Hi. I have a question about my assignment.

Supervisor: (annoyed) Yeah.

Me: Do we italicize the names of ship vessels?

Supervisor: (perplexed) Huh?

Me: Uh, ship vessels. Do we--

Supervisor: Where the [expletive deleted] did you find the name of a ship vessel?

Me: (sweating) Uh, in my, um, assignment, uh... in, uh, the footnote.

Supervisor: (sighs frustratedly) I can't answer your question that way. I'll have to come see it myself. Hold on. (peels self away from desk and groans) Ugh, my feet.

WHAT GOD IS REALLY LIKE, ACT I

Me: (hesitant) Um, do You want me to... uh... would You like me to... um...

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (grinning) Your brain is zooming at a zillion miles an hour.

Me: (sighs) I know. I'm sorry.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Do you hear Me complaining?

Me: No, Sir.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: I don't mind waiting for you to get your thoughts together.

Me: (in shock) You don't?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (still grinning) Nope.

Me: You have time?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Yep.

Me: You'll give me time?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Sure.

Me: All the time I need?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Of course. It would be My pleasure. I love you.

Me: (quickly coming unglued) Um... I... uh... (voice quavering) I don't really remember what I was going to ask. Can I please just hug You?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (outstretched arms) Yes, please. Come right here where you belong.

WHAT WE MIGHT THINK GOD IS LIKE, ACT II

Boss: (yelling) What are you doing with this?

Me: Um...

Boss: Why aren't you doing it right?

Me: Uh...

Boss: Why are you doing it that way?

Me: (trying to not cry) I...

WHAT GOD IS REALLY LIKE, ACT II

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (smiling) So, talk to Me. What's up?

Me: Well, I was thinking about, uh... You know how You wrote in Your Book about how, uh... well, I know how in that one really long chapter, in that one verse where... I don't remember... and, uh, I was thinking about how thankful I am to You about how, uh... and I was thinking about how I'm supposed to... uh...

CEO/Father/Best Friend: I don't want a dissertation. I want your tears.

Me: (sudden waterworks)

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (outstretched arms)

WHAT WE MIGHT THINK GOD IS LIKE, ACT III

Supervisor: Hey! How's it goin'?

Me: I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Supervisor: "Fine"? Just "fine"?

Me: (suspicious) What's wrong with "fine"?

Supervisor: Well, "fine" is so boring, so non-descriptive, so blah. Give me some gusto, woman! I know you're better than just "fine."

Me: (resisting the temptation to punch Supervisor in the nose) You want me to lie?

Supervisor: The next time I ask you how you're doing, I'd like you to tell me, "I'm doing wonderful!" K?

Me: (suddenly builds invisible wall) You want me to lie.

Supervisor: (well-meaning smile) You're doing wonderful!

Me: (smiling but flipping off Supervisor inside head) I'm doing wonderful!

WHAT GOD IS REALLY LIKE, ACT III

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (concerned) Are you OK?

Me: (not OK) I'm fine.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: I know you better than you know yourself. What's wrong? (as if He doesn't already know)

Me: (clenching fists) I don't know.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Please be honest with Me. You can tell Me. I love you.

Me: (suddenly begins yelling a torrent of expletives deleted)

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (as if He were addressing a toddler who's vomiting into a toilet) There ya go. Keep going.

Me: (yells expletives deleted more loudly)

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Almost there. One more.

Me: (drools out a feeble expletive deleted, grunts in pain, wipes tears) What the [expletive deleted] was that?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (chuckles) You needed to let that out.

Me: (not wanting to reveal fear) Did I just defile You?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Nope. I'm un-defile-able.

Me: (smiles, not noticing slimy drool dribbling off my chin) You mean, I can tell You anything?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (gently wipes my chin with His handkerchief) You're a goner if you don't. (smiles)

WHAT WE MIGHT THINK GOD IS LIKE, ACT IV

Boss: (to coworker) Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, inside joke.

Coworker: Words, words, words, words, inside joke comprehended.

Boss: (to coworker) I know, right? (laughs) Every time!

Coworker: (laughs) That's what always happens!

Me: (smiling) What always happens?

Coworker: (suddenly stops laughing and stares at me)

Boss: (sighs) Hey, there. Did you need something?

Me: (smile falls) I, uh... was just wondering about, uh...

Boss: (stares at me like I'm speaking a foreign language)

Coworker: (to boss) I'm gonna go check my email.

Boss: (to coworker) OK. I'll come by your desk in a little bit. (to me) You were saying?

Me: (wishing I could disappear) Um... (making up something) Is, uh, a comma the same thing as, uh, a semicolon? (winces at the stupidity of the question)

Boss: (stares at me as if I should have my grammar license revoked)

WHAT GOD IS REALLY LIKE, ACT IV

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (carrying a tray of my favorite soda cans) Would you like some soda?

Me: (confused) Um... how much does it cost?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (chuckles) It's free. It's for you, if you'd like it. Would you like some?

Me: Uh, sure. Thank You. (accepts soda, places on desk, continues working)

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (places soda tray on desk, rests chin on my shoulder) Whatcha doin'?

Me: (frozen, staring at computer) Working. What are You doing?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (shrugs shoulders) Just walking around the office and giving away free soda to whoever wants some.

Me: (continues working) Cool. That's very nice of You.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (sighs) I like you.

Me: (not sure what to think, continues working) Cool. I like You, too.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: What are you doing after work?

Me: Huh? Wait. Don't You have more sodas to deliver?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Sure, of course I do.

Me: So... with all due respect, what are You doing here?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (sighs) I like you. It's OK if I talk to you, isn't it? even while You're working?

Me: Well, sure, but... (awkwardly turns around to look Him in the face) You know You're always welcome here, but don't You have other friends working here besides me?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: Of course I do. But you're my favorite.

Me: (shocked) Um...

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (repeats gently) What are you doing after work?

Me: (smiles) Hanging out with You, if that's cool.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (smiles) Cool.

WHAT WE MIGHT THINK GOD IS LIKE, ACT V

Supervisor: Come on, give. Spit it out and make some more.

Me: (exhausted) Please, I need a break.

Supervisor: (snorts) A what? You're already resting.

Me: (exasperatedly exhausted) Huh?

Supervisor: Give! You're supposed to be producing out of rest! Come on, give, you lazybones!

Me: (wondering if some of my bones are broken) Yes, sir.

Supervisor: Faster! More! GIVE!

Me: (hobbling, considering suing the company, possibly about to go postal) OK.

WHAT GOD IS REALLY LIKE, ACT V

Me: (working dangerously hard) I can work overtime. How thorough would You like me to be on this assignment?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (grins) You're done.

Me: (shocked) What?!

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (whispers) Done.

Me: But I barely started! What do You mean, I'm done?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (leans His head on His folded hands in a night-night gesture)

Me: You want me to go to sleep... now?

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (nods while continuing His night-night gesture)

Me: But I'm not even--(suddenly yawns) Oh.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (escorting me to bed) You can finish your assignment tomorrow. Tonight, you need to rest.

Me: (climbs up into His arms) Tell me a story.

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (gently tucking me into bed) Once upon a time, there lived a little girl who had a Father who took extremely good care of her...

Me: (snoring)

CEO/Father/Best Friend: (smiles and whispers) ...all the time.