Community honeymoon

This post is rated R for a [bleep]load of honesty. What I'd like to do is type this out with the cuss words as is and just bleep them out before I publish this post. Hopefully I'll catch all of them. I apologize in advance if I don't.

I have a feeling that 2014 is going to be an awesomely wild ride. It's going to be a fun year for me, and I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. One thing that God told me to do is to be flexible this year. So, here I go. I had no [bleep]ing idea that I was going to have a mental health crisis yesterday. Heh, heh. Funny how life can throw [bleep] like that at you sometimes. Today, I'm taking a mental health day (a sick day from work). So, here you see a photo of me regrouping today while taking selfies while my cats nap in the background. Yes, I posted the dorkiest looking pose on purpose.

So, I understand that I'm miserable 1) on weekdays because I hate my job and 2) on weekends because I'm lonely. What freaked me out yesterday was that at work, I stared for almost 8 solid hours at my computer and could barely function.

I don't trust my supervisor enough to talk to her about my job problems because 1) I'm already looking for another job and 2) the company doesn't exactly have a good track record of listening to me. For example, I've mentioned to them on multiple occasions that I need a quiet area to work. So, after we moved to the new building, they seated me facing 1) an exit door and 2) a breakroom door. I constantly see foot traffic and hear conversations. On days when I'm doing data entry, I can put on my headphones and block out the noise and people, and I can focus just fine, no problem. However, yesterday when I needed to think deeply for an assignment, I was deeply distracted. I couldn't [bleep]ing take it anymore. There were a couple of occasions when I had to leave my desk to clear my head. But when I returned to my desk, there was still a blockage.

Also yesterday, my supervisor literally boogied into a meeting with me (with just me) and greeted me with, "Whattup?" This is the same woman who criticized me several weeks ago for not being professional. (Since then, she has seen the diplomatic Tirzah. I now call her "Ma'am.") She has been training me to reply, "Fantastic!" anytime she asks me, "How are you?" Yesterday, I had a hard time going along with her charade. After she boogied into the mini-conference room, she asked me, "How are you?" and pointed at me. I replied, "OK," which she has never liked. I explained to her, hopefully diplomatically, "What you want to hear is, 'Fantastic.' The real answer is, 'OK.' " During the rest of the meeting, she explained that my performance has improved. Of course, that was why she was happy.

I'm thankful that God has given me some favor at this [bleep]y job, even though I'm on my way out of there. I'm thankful that its [bleep]y weirdness is catapulting me out of there. However, it isn't a coincidence that I had to take a mental health day after I had a favorable meeting with my boss and after attempting to work about six feet away from two busy office doors. I don't think my boss noticed me silently wigging out at my desk.

God has shown me several times that the way I'm treated at this current job is the same way I was treated by my ex-family. More than likely, this has something to do with many of my current issues squirting out. So, I'm taking a mental health day.

On my way out the door yesterday evening, I talked to God and tried to find out what the heck is going on. I heard Him laugh. I think that means everything is going to be OK.

"The wicked plots against the just, and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laughs at him, for He sees that his day is coming." (Psalm 37:12-13)

"Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed. Truth shall spring out of the earth, and righteousness shall look down from heaven." (Psalm 85:10-11)

I think sometimes when the earth splits open and buried truth gushes out, you have two choices. You can 1) wallow in the truth and let it sink you down or 2) flow with the truth and let it carry you up and out. This time around, I hope I'm doing 2).

So, after I finish typing up this post, I'm going to continue to look for a new job and also look for a counselor. I would like a fresh perspective. I kinda think I have a good handle on my issues, but staring at my computer yesterday and not being able to write (especially when you can see right now that I can write just fine) really freaked me out. That hasn't happened in a long time.

What I'm about to share is probably me being a [bleep], so I hope I don't offend you too much. But I know what it's like to see somebody at church, hear them preach at you, and assume that everything is 100% OK with them while you're the [bleep]y little dork who has way too many issues. So, even though I'm not an ordained minister, I'm going to do a little bit of preaching. Please understand that I'm not 100% OK, at least presumably so, and you're not a [bleep]y little dork with way too many issues, reader. I have 24/7 access to God my Healer, yes. But I'm also a member of the Church at large, which, frankly, can be so clueless.

I mentioned to some people yesterday that I was going through a teeny little crisis, and I am truly thankful that people responded and offered to pray. That is wonderful. Thank you. However, just because I'm around praying people doesn't mean the [bleep]load of crap I've been walking through will miraculously disappear. It could, of course. But I'm saying that the Church at large often thinks everything has an easy answer.

I think I'm currently in what I'll refer to as "the community honeymoon." 'Aww, the little mental health case reached out for help. Isn't she cute? I'll pray for her, and she'll be completely cured of everything instantaneously. Aww, we're in a community. We love each other.' I've been in a similar place before. That honeymoon lasted way too long, and it ended when my community checked me into a psych hospital. I don't think I'm that mentally [bleep]ed up again this time around. I just wanted to say that I hate the community honeymoon. I would like for it to end immediately. Sorry, Church, but you married a [bleep]. The honeymoon is over.

I'm laughing now. I must be certifiably crazy.

I just don't like to play games anymore. I don't like to wear masks anymore. I don't like to put on charades anymore. My employer already pays me to do that (and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to take it), and I would rather not do it at church, either. Life can be a real [bleep]pile sometimes. I'm increasingly unable to find people who understand what I'm going through, yet I'm increasingly discovering that Jesus understands me completely, and then some. With all due respect to Him, I think He's divinely crazy for marrying me, but I don't think He'll slap me away for being honest. Psalm 37:9 says so, in a roundabout way.

So, I'll try to censor my language and keep my middle fingers to myself, but I'm more than likely going to be more honest than I've ever been before. (If you ever hear me say that I don't give a [bleep] about prayer, that's why.) I'm sitting here in a wonderfully quiet apartment typing this calmly, and I haven't cried in a while. So, that's definitely a good thing. I hope that means I'm OK.

But if I'm not, that's OK, too. I'm definitely not fantastic.

I look forward to what this leg of my journey will bring. God is so laughing at the devil because I'm not going to forget Him. And He is so laughing with joy because He likes me. He and I are digging each other's company, even in the midst of a mental health crisis.

True dat. Word.