Resign

I'm going to use this post to vent about my current job, again, so if this isn't something that you want to read, if you'd prefer to skip this post, I understand, and I look forward to seeing you again in my next post. If you'd still like to read this, I thank you in advance, and I'll do my best to keep my life as entertaining as possible. Kitties!

"The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7)

"The Lord is their strength, and He is the saving refuge of His anointed. Save Your people, and bless Your inheritance; shepherd them also, and bear them up forever." (Psalm 28:8-9)

It's uncanny. Just when I think I can't possibly hate my job even more, I do. We recently moved to a new building, which is smaller and seems to suit the company's needs better. If I take the free roads, it adds about 20-30 minutes to my commute. If I take the toll roads, I can get to work faster than I used to. So, I have a more pleasant, speedier commute (which I pay for), to a quieter office, in a cozier space... and I still stare at my computer and try to muster up the motivation to write.

At least I don't feel like cutting myself anymore. That's how bad it used to be. Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating. I used to either sit at my cubicle or -- when I was working from home -- in my living room and fight off strong temptations to cut myself while I was trying to work. I almost signed up for therapy again (and I probably should have), but God helped me through it, and I don't get tempted with that ridiculously scary stuff anymore.

So, I thought maybe there was a lot of spiritual warfare going on at our previous building (which there probably was) and that my job performance would improve without the local demons. But even with a seemingly clearer spiritual atmosphere, I still can't do my current job the way I'm supposed to. Right now, I'm sitting here writing with no problem at all. My thoughts are flowing. I love my kitties. But when I'm at work, it's like I'm a dried-out sponge. You want to squeeze out something useful, but you can't, because there's nothing there.

I've prayed, and God has playfully shown me that the grace at my current job is gone. He seems very excited about getting me out of there. Meanwhile, I need something to get me through the day, so I pray throughout the day, and God helps the ideas flow better, and I'm able to get my work done. (Whether or not my superiors will approve of it is another story.)

But it's still uncanny. Yesterday, I fantasized for a couple of hours about turning in my two-week notice on Monday... except I don't have a new job yet. That's what keeps me chained to my desk: my bills. I am a borrower who is servant to the lender. But having visions of resignation letters flashing through my head sure felt good.

Frankly, there is one option left that I haven't tried: plagiarism. It's unethical, it's sin, it's 100% wrong, so of course it ISN'T an option that I would seriously consider. Honestly, that's one reason why I hate my current job so much. While I've prayed about it, I've been reminded of an incident that happened during the early days of my employment there. I was assigned to proofread work that another writer had done for our company. I was freaked-out shocked to discover that the writer had more than likely plagiarized. There probably wasn't a way to prove it unless you had leaned over her shoulder and actually seen her do it, but I am not exaggerating when I say that her work matched Wikipedia articles almost word for word. I honestly believe that she copied and pasted Wikipedia articles into Microsoft Word documents and simply changed a few words here and there. Of course, I reported my suspicion to my supervisor, who informed me that the company had already paid her for her work; but due to the quality of her work, we stopped using her. And the way he communicated it to her wasn't honest, either. ("We no longer require your services" isn't the same thing as "We really need people to write for us, but ACTUALLY WRITE for us, not plagiarize for us.")

So, while I've prayed about my current job, God has shown me that I don't work for a company that values honesty. Anytime I speak my mind (because we're often asked for feedback), I'm punished, ignored, or silenced. "I hate working from home." "Cool. We'll give you a laptop so that you can work from home more easily." "I need eye contact; I want to be treated like a human being instead of a machine." "Cool. We'll completely ignore what you said and walk past your cubicle multiple times a day as if you didn't even exist." "I specialize in writing fiction." "Cool. We'll give you so many nonfiction assignments that you'll doubt your chosen profession altogether."

I'm on probation-- wait. I'm on a performance improvement plan. That means I thought I was doing better and writing faster, but I'm actually doing very badly and bracing myself for unemployment. When I pray about it, God still seems very excited about me leaving this job, and He keeps telling me things like, "They need to see a Christian fail with dignity" and "Let them reject you." So, on my way out the door, I'm trying to have fun with this job.

One of the reasons why my employer isn't pleased with my performance is that I don't write fast enough. If I'm blogging, I can usually write pretty darn fast. But if I'm working on the types of products that they sell, I can't go as fast as they want me to (at least, not without plagiarizing, which ain't gonna happen at my desk). In a way, it's cool that this confirms how God made me. I'm not an assembly-line, left-brained writer. They want me to write 100% perfectly with very few rewrites. I can't write like that unless I get to write from a place deep down in my gut or from a place that gushes out of my heart. But they've instructed me to write without putting my emotions into my work. I'm an artist. I'm a meditator. I need time to think, shape, prod, tweak, and polish. I recently watched an old interview with John Hughes. He said that he would write scripts as quickly as possible, so he could see if he liked the idea, and then he would do about 20 rewrites on the script until it was perfect. That's more like how I write. That isn't how my current employer wants me to write.

While I've been searching for a new job, I've also been looking for an editing or proofreading job. I enjoy editing and proofreading (which are actually part of the writing process) very much. Unfortunately, one of my former coworkers did not share my enthusiasm. Sorry, but I was telling you where you could put your commas because I was trying to do my job.

That's another thing about my former coworkers. After our company got bought out by our rivals a couple of years ago, I had thought that many of my coworkers quit because they didn't know how to be flexible and adjust to all the changes. Now I realize they knew exactly what was about to happen, and they wanted to leave the company before their sanity went south. Hmm. I think I should have followed their example.

So, while I'm on my way out of this company that doesn't give a hoot about my gifts or skills, I'm hoping that I'll do so with as much dignity as possible, with as much joy as possible, with as much grace as possible, and with as much fun as possible. With God, it's interesting to see exactly what is possible.

Last night after I arrived home from work, I stepped out of my car and was stunned at what I saw. In the stillness of the early evening, I saw stars shining brightly in the sky. I'm pretty sure I saw the Little Dipper. But I'm not supposed to be able to see the Little Dipper in a clear, early evening sky in the middle of a metropolitan area. I think God was amazing to have cut through all the pollution, all the metropolitanness, all the crowded night air, and let something beautiful shine so brightly for anyone to see.

I hope I get to shine that brightly during what seems to be my last days at my current job. I'm glad God has been showing me some stuff, because I've been planning for unemployment just in case. I'm excited about the next adventure that lies ahead of me. I'm thankful for all the lessons I've learned while I've been here, and I hope I can remember them well in the future.

The word "resign" is an interesting one. It means to leave your current job. But it also means to accept that something inevitable is about to happen. I hope I can do both while pointing people to the Maker of the stars.

I typed part of this with my little kitty seated between me and my laptop. That's, another, reason, why, proofreading, is, important.