Wanting

I would have titled this post "Desire," except I didn't want to accidentally rip off the title of a church teaching and/or a Yanni song. So, I chose instead to use a form of "want." Wait. It's a verb, "wanting." Wait. It's a noun. Wait. It's actually a gerund, which is the noun form of a verb that ends in "-ing," which is probably one of the most awkward parts of speech ever known to humankind. Hmm. I think that's a very fitting title for my subject matter.

Again, I don't really have any authority from which to blog. I'm just a chick who knows Jesus and who likes to write about the things she notices about her life and her Source of Life.

One thing I've noticed lately about almost every area of my life is that something is wanted which cannot be possessed... because the very thing that is wanted is actually forbidden. I would like to offer a few examples.

MY CURRENT EMPLOYER

Wanted: a passionate production of work

Forbidden: the outpouring of my heart into my work

Result: mediocre work and an irate employee (me)

With all the surveys, meetings, and random free lunches, I feel like my current employer keeps asking us, "Why hasn't morale improved since we bought out your company? Why do you hate us? Why do so many of you keep finding new jobs elsewhere and leaving us, especially after so many of us left our homes up north to relocate here?" Um, perhaps you should listen to what you actually say during all of your meetings. Your CEO keeps saying, "If you don't like how we do business here, you can go work somewhere else." Um, so we do. Why should we be motivated to actually be loyal to you, especially after you laid off or scared away so many of our friends? Do you honestly think free candy will make us like you? No. You need our hearts.

I keep trying to explain to my supervisors that I like to write from my heart, and that takes time. They keep explaining that I need to leave my heart out of it... and yet they want me to like what I do and be passionate about what our company does. Um, perhaps if you wouldn't make me rip my heart out before I arrive at my desk every morning, I could do these things that you are demanding. I keep trying to tell you that I can't produce all the stuff you want me to produce, and it be any good, without the very thing you won't permit me to use. You need my heart.

So, my current employer's wanting and my wanting cancel each other out, which makes us both frustrated.

MY SOCIAL LIFE

Wanted: healthy people to consistently hang out with

Forbidden: regular hangout time due to schedule restrictions

Result: loneliness punching me in the throat on a regular basis

Sadly, many of the friends I used to have were very codependent and/or abusers who I think would try to hang out with me as often as possible so that they could leech onto and/or abuse me. I chose to cut them out of my life, so now they're gone. Honestly, I would rather have loneliness than unhealthy relationships. But it's still a difficult thing to walk through. But it's worth figuring it all out.

One thing I've figured out is that the healthy friends I have are very busy living their healthy lives. They have children to raise, families to support, activities to accomplish, and rest to feast upon. These are all good things. Unfortunately, this means that they are rarely available to spend time with me. This is something I've had to grieve through and work out for myself, because it's painful. And yet, I would rather have this than the unhealthy relationships I used to have.

My wanting to hang out with my healthy friends doesn't intersect with their wanting to hang out with me very often. Our wantings often cancel each other out, simply due to the way that life often happens. However, once in a while, one of us will grab a firm hold of our wanting and will break through to the other with an insistent pursuit of quality time. A hopelessly swamped schedule will suddenly become an hour or two of "I can fit you in here. What do you think?" And loneliness shrivels up and dies for a while. That is a welcome death for a 37-year-old woman who feels completely out of place with "young people" and constantly rejected by "old people." Will awkwardness always win?

MY NONEXISTENT LOVELIFE

Wanted: a guy

Forbidden: me initiating with guys

Result: I haven't had a date in 19 1/2 years, and I'm morbidly hoping to set a record for 20

I hope you can hear me laughing while I type this, because I'm not really sure if this horse is dead yet. Is it dead if it keeps meowing? Wait. Braying? Wait. What kind of noise do horses make? Gifting. Wait. Yes, of course that makes sense. Of course, of course.

You didn't understand what I typed in the previous paragraph, did you? Good. I think my ovaries are officially delirious.

For many years, I was under the influence of a Jezebel spirit. (Probably lots of Jezebel spirits, actually, because it was pretty darn bad.) That means that in my past, I was very comfortable being manipulative and controlling, to the point of people not even realize I was doing it. To the point of me not even realizing I was doing it. But I'm free from Jezebel now, I think pretty much 100% free. (Because it took a really long time to unhook her from my soul. She's fiercely stubborn.)

So, I didn't used to have a problem throwing myself at guys. So, with all this freedom in Christ, I'm very cool with waiting for guys to ask me out. There's a teensy little problem, though. They haven't been asking me out during the past two decades or so. I've been wanting them, but they haven't been wanting me back. I think my wanting and their non-wanting have been canceling each other out. I'm not sure if the dead horses are frustrated, but I've been as frustrated as a napping kitten. Wait. Did that make sense? Good.

The reason I've been thinking about this particular topic is because I'm planning to attend a wedding this week. From the looks of the guest list, I'm guessing I'm going to have to explain why I haven't found my "Boaz" yet, and I'm going to have to explain why I've actually been waiting for my "David." And if I talk so loud and giggly that I sound drunk, I won't actually be drunk. I think it'll just be my ovaries neighing. Of course, of course.

Call me crazy, but I don't really want a husband. I don't really want a boyfriend. I don't really want a date. I just want to be wanted, in a healthy way.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Wanted: me not going to hell

Forbidden: me worshiping any other gods

Result: me getting... the friendship of the King of the Universe? Hmm. Maybe I added this up wrong. Let me try again:

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Wanted: safety and protection

Forbidden: me agreeing with evil spirits

Result: me getting... angel sightings in my apartment? Wait. That's still not adding up. Let me try that again:

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Wanted: to do the right thing

Forbidden: to sin

Result: me getting... continual empowerment by the Holy Spirit, who leads me and puts me exactly where He wants me, and who amazes me with all His fruit that sprouts out of me at the most unexpected times? Oy vey, I'm still overshooting! Math was never my strength. Let me try adding that up yet again:

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Wanted: spiritual shininess

Forbidden: me neglecting to follow His laws

Result: me getting... adopted by the Best Father in the entire Universe, who will never ever ever forsake me, and who will never ever ever abandon me? Aw, frickin' heck! That can't be right. Let me try that one more time:

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Wanted: constant companionship

Forbidden: wanting anything that He doesn't want

Result: me getting... 24/7 access to the holiest, purest, worthiest Being in the entire Universe, who hangs out with me, listens to me, comforts me, calms me down, has fun with me, and sings to me at night? AAAAAAAGGGH! That has to be impossible!!

Yes, of course it is. That's probably one reason why God does it.

"The eyes of all look expectantly to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." (Psalm 145:15-16)

Have I mentioned lately that that's my favorite two verses in the Bible? No? Good. Well, I'm mentioning it now.

Sure, I'm currently frustrated vocationally, socially, and romantically, but... the God of the Universe wants to be my Boss? He wants to be my Friend? He wants to be my Husband? He wants to be my Father? He happens to be the richest, most beautiful, most exciting, most important Person in the entire Universe... and He wants to know ME? As in, Jesus sacrificed His own life just so that He could know ME?? As in, God wants ME???

Whoa. That still boggles my mind.

The other day, I heard God crying. I asked Him why He was crying. He said He missed comforting me. I wasn't hurting, so He missed getting to comfort me. Um, all I wanted was to stop hurting. I think what I ended up getting was the God of all Comfort who bonded with me so deeply that He ached to keep bonding with me. It took me a while to understand what He was trying to tell me. And He's had plenty of opportunities since then to comfort me. I'm really glad He did, because I really needed Him! I'll never stop needing Him. Neither of us is getting rid of the other. We're in it for the long haul. We're committed to each other for an eternity.

I don't think His wanting and my wanting are canceling each other out. I think we have a surplus. I think this is the only area of my life where this is happening -- my relationship with my Father. He wanted my heart, and He got it. He wanted all of me, and He got it, and I'm still giving parts of me to Him as I find out what they are. As for His end of the relationship, I wanted one tiny little cubic zirconia, but I ended up getting a mansion full of 5-zillion carat diamonds. I wanted a junior burger from the dollar menu, but I ended up getting a ranch full of the best cattle that is perpetually barbecued by a professional all-you-can-eat chef. I wanted a little kitten, but I ended up getting the biggest Lion I've never seen.

That's another cool thing about God. I can see Him, but I can't see Him. I can feel Him, but I can't feel Him. I can hear Him, but I think I've only barely begun to hear Him. He keeps feeding me appetizers, and it only makes me even more ravenously hungry. I think maybe that's how it is with all of us. He reveals Himself to us... but maybe He holds back just enough for us to want more, and definitely enough for us to keep our skin in one piece.

I still don't get it. The God of the Universe, the most important Person in existence, whose presence is so important and so powerful that my human body is incapable of experiencing Him in the fullness of His glory... this God wants to know ME???

It's like all my life, I've wanted the Perfect Friend, and all this time, He's been right under my nose. It's been God all along. In my awkward wanting, it took me a very long time to see that. And yet, I don't see it the way I should.

Hmm. I wonder if I can blame my ovaries? Yea or neigh?