How are you?

This post is rated R for real cuss words.

"Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom." (Psalm 51:6)

I'm not sure exactly when "How are you?" became such a complicated question to answer, but it's become so complicated that I will now devote an entire blog post to it.

What's your gut reaction when people ask "How are you?" More than likely, it's "Fine, thank you, how are you?" Because that's how we're taught to answer, right? "Fine" is a nice, safe answer to use with strangers. It's also a nice, safe, honest answer to use with people who only give you about 2 seconds to answer the "How are you?" question. To me, "fine" is synonymous with "OK."

To me, "OK" means, "I am not in a dangerous place, I am not in a psych hospital, the bad stuff and the good stuff in my life are currently balancing each other out so that I can be sociable enough to answer 'OK' when asked."

Honestly happy is "All right." More than likely, the honest answer during a happy, easygoing day will be, "All right."

To me, a meatier answer is "Hanging in there." In my case, "Hanging in there" means, "I am fighting for my life, for my well-being, for my happiness, for my honesty. I am at war. See my scars? But I'm winning. I am hanging in there. I am human. Hear me roar."

When you should worry is when I answer "Shitty." "Shitty" is a red flag that means something is horribly wrong. "Shitty" usually means that I am about to slip into a very dangerous place. I was "shitty" several times last year and a couple of times this year.

So, those were the 2-5 second answers to "How are you?"

I can understand people's concern for how I answer the "How are you?" question, because I didn't used to answer it honestly. At least once when I was in college, I answered, "I'm good, but God is better." That impressed some people. That was ridiculously religious of me. But I'm not like that anymore. At least, I don't think I am.

If you give me more than 2-5 seconds to answer "How are you," I will probably give you a longer answer. If you were to ask me "How are you" this morning, I'd probably reply, "I cried myself to sleep last night, but I woke up OK this morning." Or I'd probably reply, "I'm managing my depression."

Those were honest answers. Those are ways I answer people who know me, who consistently show up in my life and with whom I feel comfortable sharing my life.

And then there are diplomatic answers. Everything changes when I'm talking to people who don't know me, with whom I only interact at a surface level. Diplomatic answers are usually limited to "Fine" or "OK." People to whom I answer diplomatically will usually get an "I'm alive, I'm breathing, I have enough joy to smile at you, I'm very much looking forward to finishing my work shift and getting the heck out of here" answer.

And then there's the "My boss told me to reply 'Fantastic,' so that's probably what I'm gonna have to answer, because she pays me to." Today, I will have a meeting with her, and I truly dread this meeting every week. I honestly probably don't know how I'm going to answer her question until the second she asks it. Will I have had enough giggly moments with God up until that point to where I could honestly answer "Fantastic?" Will I be diplomatically honest enough to answer "OK" and prepare myself for her disappointment? Sheesh. Such a complicated question.

Why does honesty have to be so hard? And why do the first 5 seconds of a conversation always have to be the deepest? Hmm. Perhaps this is why small talk was invented. My cats are fine, thank you for asking.

And then there are many situations in which "How are you" is synonymous with "Hello." Of course, this usually just occurs with strangers and/or people who only give you .00025 seconds of their time because they are only passing you in the hallway. That is fine and OK, too.

So, thank you for listening to my "How are you?" rambling. It can be such an important question to ask and to answer. And for some reason, it stresses me out for the first 5 seconds of a conversation. I'm... here. Hmm. Perhaps that is why we Hispanics invented that answer: Aquí no más. Just here.

Currently, my honest answer to "How are you" is "Triumphant." 30-minute blog post! As George Lopez would say, Wapah!