Grab bag

Just thought I'd collect a bunch of my thoughts and opinions and put them here. I've noticed that what often hurts me is thinking that something is wrong with me... and then when I discover that other people deal with the same thing, or that I'm supposed to be dealing with whatever it is I'm dealing with, then I feel validated. I feel free. So, if whatever's been nagging deep inside you is similar to whatever's been nagging at me, I hope reading about it here can help you put your finger on it.

1) I'm in psychotherapy now for the second time in my life. (Actually, psychotherapy is my new favorite word, so you'll probably hear me say it more often. Psychotherapy!) I sought professional mental health treatment this time around on my own, and I looked for it away from my church, on purpose. I would like to explain why. I'm not mad at anybody; I'm just being open about it in case it seemed secretive. (The old Tirzah was secretive. The current Tirzah is perhaps too non-secretive. Did you know that I currently have a belly full of blueberry bagles? or is that TMI?)

My church is healthy. My church is awesome. My church is huge, so there are dozens of resources and dozens of places to get involved in and/or to get help. But for me personally, in terms of "freedom," there seemed to be too much emphasis on personal responsibility. For instance, I've been taught that instead of blaming everybody for my problems, or instead of always thinking that I am always the victim of somebody else's problems, I should look to myself and see which problems need fixing; I should take back my power. And these are all excellent teachings. These are helpful teachings. These are needed teachings.

But for me personally, they weren't helpful after a while. Yes, I have personal responsibilities, I'm a big girl who can take care of her own problems, I'm not a victim, and I shouldn't give other people too much power. But none of that comforts me when I'm spending yet another evening alone, when I'm trying to soothe the forest fire that's blazing inside my head, or when I'm trying to stop crying. Because I'm a human being, and especially because I'm a member of the body of Christ, I need the Church. I need people.

So, getting psychotherapy elsewhere is helping me see that what I've been feeling are legitimate human needs and that my issues are probably deeper than just being responsible, not being a victim, or taking back my power.

By the way, if somebody punches me in the face, it's going to hurt. If they tell me that I shouldn't take their face-punching personally or that I should look into the root of my pain, sure, the face-punching will probably bring back memories of other times that other people punched me in the face in my past... but the fact of the matter is, that person still punched me in the face. Sure, I would forgive and deal with it on my end. But they would also have to answer to my Daddy, and I would more than likely tell my therapist about it. Yes, I pay her money, and she's on my side. But the fact of the matter is, you shouldn't just go around punching people in the face.

I am not a freak. Psychotherapy!

2) So, my current church is healthy. This time around, I got to decide to go to therapy, and I got to choose a therapist on my own. However, in 2000, I was in an unhealthy church, a therapist was chosen for me, and even my job search was micromanaged. I can understand the leadership of that church telling me to step down from my leadership roles because I had attempted suicide and needed some serious help. But in retrospect, I can see how their over-involvement in my treatment was unhelpful -- especially after the main leader had a word from the Lord that my healing would come from me making my own decisions.

I remember being accountable to about seven people, and several of them would have meetings with me on a semi-regular basis to discuss my treatment and progress, etc. I was unemployed at the time. During one of these meetings, the main leader found out that I still hadn't found a job, and he said, "This is starting to get frustrating." At the time, I was still in the process of learning how to be assertive, and if I knew then what I know now, I'd probably tell him to take his micromanagement and shove it. Um, HE was frustrated? I think not being able to find a job is plenty frustrating enough without a leader rubbing your nose in it. After that particular meeting, I had a distressing episode during my drive home and almost drove out of town to a dangerous place all over again.

So, I hope I'm being an adult this time around, and I'm glad to be around people who are actually supportive this time around. Honestly, I've had this fear in the back of my head that I'm going to be punished somehow for being honest... Yes, that is more than likely a fear of punishment, quite possibly a stronghold, most definitely something that is eroding away with the truth: Honesty is healthy. Honesty is freeing. Honesty is supposed to be normal. Yes, I'm open to correction (in fact, I crave it), but nobody has enmeshed their nose into my business and punished me for being honest. (At least, nobody who is currently a friend. I love psychotherapy!)

And that brings me to my next point.

3) I've noticed that lots of people in my church's worship department are a mess, like I am. Yay, acceptance!

4) Going back to the concept of unfriending that I hinted at in #2... I've noticed how big a deal it is to discover that someone I used to look up to and/or consider a trusted friend is actually a bleep. This discovery tends to become a huge, necessary grieving process. You kick yourself for not seeing the signs sooner, for not smelling the rotting fruit sooner, for not unhooking yourself from the toxins sooner. You deal with losing this person. You hurt and/or feel cheated when you see that you actually never really had that much with this person. You wonder why you didn't see any of the bleepiness in the person.

And then you remember that that's a huge part of what loving a person is all about. Like 1 Corinthians 13 says, love is patient, love is kind, love bears all things, and loves hopes all things. You took this person's crap because you loved them. You hoped that they were simply human, not perpetually crappy and bleepy. That's why you kept them in your life for so long: You loved them.

And then after a while, you realize that love rejoices in the truth. The truth is, this person was a bleep all along, and they are no longer in your life to puke their bleepiness into your life. That is a major reason to rejoice.

Psychotherapy!

5) Speaking of bad friendships, one of the phrases that my therapist mentioned to me recently was stuck in my head when I woke up the other morning: friendship of convenience. I am not cool with this concept. I would like to dig deeper and evaluate this concept with Daddy and make sure I'm currently not participating in this concept.

6) One reason why I broadcast my issues here on my blog for anyone to read is to reach people who may have been unhealthy for me in my past, if they're interested in reading about my life now, even indirectly. I hope I'm totally wrong about this, but coughcoughIDontThinkMyBirthMotherIsSavedcoughcough.

Psychotherapy rocks.

7) I would just like to say that I know Queen's song "The Millionaire Waltz" is gayer than Christmas, but listening to it makes me happy. And I like how God likes to invade all kinds of secular music when I listen to it. When I listen to "The Millionaire Waltz" and "Love of My Life," I hear my Daddy telling me to come back to Him, to hurry back to Him. (Throw in some electric guitars, and we've got a party.) When I listen to Billy Joel's song "An Innocent Man," I hear my Daddy telling me, "I know you're only protecting yourself / I know you're thinking of somebody else / Someone who hurt you / But I'm not above / Making up for the love / You've been denying you could ever feel." When I listen to Elton John's song "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," my Daddy and I can sing a duet: "Don't go breaking My heart / I won't go breaking Your heart." And the list goes on and on, of course. But maybe that's my obsession. Hmm. I think God can be a little obsessive, too. As my psychotherapist is so professionally good to remind me, I am made in the image of God.

8) I am not a freak, and not everything is my fault. Wait. Didn't I say that already?

Psychotherapy!