Optimistic disillusionment

This post is rated R for profanity, poop, sarcasm, and possibly really gross TMI.

I think working through issues is sometimes like stepping in a pile of poop. You're like, "Aw, crap! It's crap!" Then you clean it off your shoe and proceed about your everyday business, and everything is fine. Other times, you look down at your shoe and notice that you accidentally wandered into a manure field. So, you yank your shoe out of the shitpile, squish away as discreetly as you can, and find Somebody who has a really good waterhose to clean you off with. And still other times, you look down at your shoe and notice in horror that you're about to get swallowed into the biggest cesspool whirlpool you've ever seen. Then suddenly all that shit you've been smelling makes sense. You're like, "No wonder I've felt like I've been sinking."

And, of course, when I say "you," I mean me.

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my ex-sister was potty-training. One evening, I happened to be in the bathroom while my ex-sister was on her little potty. (I guess I was supervising?) She reached down into her little pot with her little toddler finger, and when she pulled it out, a piece of poop was stuck to it. So, of course, she put the poop in her mouth and tasted it. And, of course, she cried out in disgust. (Many years later, we would laugh about it, but I don't think it's funny anymore.) Where were my ex-parents when all this was happening? Good question. I think my ex-father was at church, school, etc. My ex-mother was at home.

So, being the big sister, I ran to my ex-mother, who happened to be chitchatting on the phone, and I told her that my ex-sister was eating her poop. She shooed me away, didn't even look at me, and continued to chitchat.

Hey, you good-for-nothing, lazy-gossip Cover Girl bitch. Hang up the stupid phone and help your children. Do you honestly think you're going to get away with neglecting your little girls? They're going to grow up to become very troubled women someday.

Well, my ex-mother finally got off the phone and cleaned up my ex-sister, but not before it was etched on my heart long-term that the people who are supposed to be there for you AREN'T always going to be there for you.

I think this was a lifelong pattern. I think the worst of it happened when I was violated at church, I told my ex-mother about it, and she did the equivalent of nothing. Twice. The last Christmas I spent with her and the rest of the family, I went to bed crying silently. (Yes, I learned how to cry as silently as possible while I was growing up.) With our sleeping arrangements that Christmas, I was lying in a bed right next to my ex-mother's bed. I'm not surprised she didn't hear me crying, I'm glad she didn't hear me crying, and it's goshdarn sad that she had zero sensitivity to the fact that I was crying.

Is everybody like that? Are all authority figures completely useless? Will I not be able to find anybody to lean on for support, ever?

"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them; who keeps truth forever, who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners." (Psalm 146:5-7)

Many years ago, I was livid at God. I hated Him. And is it any wonder? But I'm glad He's restored our relationship, I'm glad I repented, and I'm glad He doesn't mind my puking my anger into His face. (In fact, He totally welcomes it.) Otherwise, I'd be toast for sure.

It's uncanny. I've never, ever, ever been disappointed whenever I've turned to Him for anything. Yes, life in general has definitely had some disappointments. People in general have definitely fallen short, as I definitely have.

And it's amazing how He can completely turn people's lives around and use their circumstances for good, like a Master Artist who studies the manure field and says, "You see shit, but I see clay. I think this little pile of stuff over here will make a great sculpture. Just let Me do my work, and you'll see what I mean. It won't stink anymore, either."

I used to be an extremely optimistic person, honest. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but maybe some of that optimism is still there. (Just not in nauseating "The sun'll come out tomorrow" proportions.)

I imagine myself many years from now as one of those wise-looking women with the wild, graying hair and the hoop earrings and the wrinkled smile and the understanding gleam in her eye that says, "Hang in here, youngling. I, too, used to want to punch out the lights of any do-gooder who crossed my path. In time, you will learn that this world does, in fact, have some caring people in it and that our God will, in fact, enable you to overcome evil with good."

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)

So, maybe an important step in the whole overcoming-evil process is to take a step back and watch the pieces come together.

The other day while I was trying to get my brain out of the cesspool whirlpool, God was like, "Depression is a type of anger. Just work through it." That makes sense. In the psych hospital all those years ago, I was taught that depression is "Anger turned inward" and that it's "Looking at the world through shit-colored glasses." Of course, anger is something that begs to be processed immediately in a healthy way. Otherwise, it will manifest in an unhealthy way. Depression is something that begs your immediate attention. Otherwise, you could be toast for sure.

And, of course, when I say "you," I mean me.

I remember when I was a little girl, probably about 4 years old, I was in bed and supposed to be falling asleep. Instead, I was stewing about how much I hated my ex-mother. I think I was crying, and I remember thinking and/or saying, "I want to kill her." Perhaps this was demonic. Or perhaps this was a justified anger, as you can possibly tell from what I shared at the beginning of this post.

Perhaps I should have worked through my feelings more thoroughly back then. Not sure how, though. I honestly don't remember many resources being at my disposal back then other than a Good News tract and a sanctuary full of hymnbooks. Is it any wonder that many disillusioned people turn their backs on God at some point in their lives? But perhaps working through my issues back then could have lightened the load that I've been carrying now.

Now it makes sense that I freak out anytime people in authority let me down. I think I understand now why I feel like strangling or cussing out anyone who's in charge when I feel neglected or pushed away by them. I think I understand now why I'm so offended anytime my current supervisor has one of her unprepared moments and is like, "Uh, wait. Which assignment did I give you?"

Of course, that's not to say that the above authority figures are doing everything perfectly. I think perhaps it's normal, natural, and healthy for me to be angry at them for abusing their positions and/or just not doing their jobs. (Seriously, if somebody puts you in charge of somebody, make some type of an effort to remember what you told that somebody to do. Otherwise, just give yourself pointy hair and rename that somebody Dilbert.)

Hmm. Perhaps one way that God is overcoming evil with good is using some of my survival skills -- the ones I acquired while I grew up as a neglected little girl -- for good. If my supervisor's main concern is looking good to everybody else, and if one of her main complaints is that I'm supposed to make her look good, then that reminds me of somebody... ah, yes. The phone-chitchatting Cover Girl. I know exactly how to deal with my current supervisor. I know exactly how to fly under the radar. I know exactly how to make her look good while I secretly look for another job. I know exactly how shocked her face is going to look when I hand over my two-week notice someday. Hmm. Thanks, Lord.

Seriously, if you don't take the time to win the hearts of your people and genuinely care about them as human beings, you won't have their loyalty. If you want somebody's loyalty, you need his or her heart. 

So, I think just as I was just trying to do the right thing when I was 4 or 5 years old, I am still trying to do the right thing when I am 37 years old. Just like I was doing the mini-shepherd thing when I was 4 or 5, I am doing the good-employee thing when I'm 37. You want me to find another job elsewhere? Fine. I'll do that. You want me to make you look good? Fine. I'll do that, to whichever degree I can control. But honestly, if you look bad, it might not be my fault. You want me to become a machine for 8 hours a day while I take your patronizing micromanagement like a real woman? Fine. I'll do that, but if our company ends up going under because the higher-ups got greedy, that will definitely not be my fault. The worst thing that could happen is that I could find a better job elsewhere that respects my self-esteem and pays me even better than you do. Or maybe I'll just write a song about you and take it on the road with me. I think King David kinda did the same thing, except he used the people's real names.

Deep, happy sigh. Honesty feels good.

So, now that I've had excellent examples of how to NOT take care of another person, I hope I learn from these examples as thoroughly as possible. And it truly amazes me how God will always be the Best example of how to support people -- sacrificially, thoroughly, painstakingly, excellently, strongly. Do you hear that? I think the Lion of Judah just roared.