Prisoner on the thigh

Technically, it's still winter, and it was cold outside this evening, so I wore my blue cap. This particular cap brings back thankful memories because I bought it in the fall of 2000 the same week I attempted suicide and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. In the fall of 2000, long story short, I walked into a grocery store with the intention of buying a toothbrush with my last $2, but I ended up buying this cap instead. (When you're dangerously depressed, your survival skills are really out of whack. At the psych hospital, my teeth were all kinds of unbrushed-nasty, especially after drinking/ejecting activated charcoal.)

Two years ago, I took a picture of myself with my blue cap and posted it on Facebook with a slightly longer version of the story you read above. I was encouraged by the very positive comments I received about my story. People were basically like, "OH, MY GOSH, YOU HAVE A PAST!"

Yep. And I have a present, too.

As Morpheus would say, "This will feel... a little weird." As Neo would say, "Déjà vu."

The title of this blog post may seem... a little weird, but I have two different ideas that I've been processing through lately, and I thought it would be interesting to combine them here. Thank you in advance for reading.

"Then Joseph's master took him and put him into the prison, a place where the king's prisoners were confined. And he was there in the prison. But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him mercy, and He gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. And the keeper of the prison committed to Joseph's hand all the prisoners who were in the prison; whatever they did there, it was his doing. The keeper of the prison did not look into anything that was under Joseph's authority, because the Lord was with him; and whatever he did, the Lord made it prosper." (Genesis 39:20-23)

In the passage I quoted above, the word "prison" or "prisoner" appears eight times. Wow. I wonder if that's the Holy Spirit's artistic way of communicating, "Prison, prison, everywhere!"

If you've been following my blog, you know that I hate my current job almost as much as I hate the devil. What God has been showing me recently is that while I'm there, He's teaching me about being in a prison. I believe that He's spoken to me many, many, many times that I need to leave my job... and yet I can't, because I have debts to pay off. Proverbs 22:7 explains that my bills keep me chained to my job. I'm like, I gotta go-- AAAGH! I can't go! It's a miserable cycle.

I wonder if Joseph felt the same way in Genesis. I wonder if he was like, I don't belong in here because I didn't commit a crime-- AAAGH! I'm stuck in here! Joseph had a really hard life that seemed to come upon him suddenly and that seemed to last for many years. In the end, his dreams came true, and he lived happily ever after.

But meanwhile, he was stuck in prison. And God gave him favor there. Even while he unjustly remained in a confined space -- unjustly ripped away from his family, unjustly accused of doing something heinous that he didn't do -- he was trusted with some duties inside the prison that trained him for his future. He was destined for awesomeness, but there was Prison, prison everywhere, and not a drop of freedom to drink.

Then in one fell swoop, he was finally released from prison and appointed to a high government position. He went from Prison, prison everywhere to Mercy, mercy everywhere, and not a drop of injustice to drink.

Jobwise, I definitely see the Prison, prison everywhere. I'm definitely looking forward to being released and/or escaping as soon as possible, because it's not fun, especially when I know God doesn't want me there. He's my Friend. It's gotten to where He almost teases me every morning with, "Have a good day." And I'm like, "...wait. Aren't You coming with me?!" And He's like. "No. Of course I am. No." Or He'll be like, "OK, I'll come with you today. But they don't want Me there." Or He'll be like, "Nope," and then He'll suddenly show up at my desk and hug me, and I'll be like, "YOU'RE HERE!" Sometimes He'll be like, "I changed My mind," and I wonder if maybe He just wanted me to ask Him to join me at my job that day... and yet I know that He lives inside me and will come with me regardless... and yet I know that He isn't there with me anymore because He doesn't want me to be there and/or my employer doesn't want Him to be there. It's truly ridiculous. He isn't ridiculous. The job situation is.

Prison is torture. I wonder how Joseph survived it.

"Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS." (Revelation 19:15-16)

With my job, I'm in a prison, or I guess you could say I'm enslaved in Egypt. However, in other areas of my life, I think I'm in a wilderness. And in still other areas, I believe I'm killing some giants in the promised land. And wow, are there some giants.

This weekend, especially at church, God was speaking to me in a progressive picture. (I believe it was confirmed by somebody at church with one of the verses in Revelation I quoted above.) It was pretty intense. During one Saturday service while I was singing in the choir, I remembered that I was supposed to be interceding for the congregation. When I did, I got a picture of myself hugging God's thigh. I thought that was cool. But it got me very curious. Why was I hugging His thigh? Why wasn't I hugging His neck or His face or snuggling between His shoulders? I'm still looking into this, but from what I understand, in the Bible, a person's thigh symbolizes their strength. In my research, I learned that people used to hide their swords on their thighs. So, I was very intrigued about why God was showing me that I was hugging His thigh this weekend.

This morning, I woke up early and was doing fine until I got hit pretty hard with some emotional pain that was bubbling up from within. So, I spent a good deal of time journaling like my therapist told me to do, and I was crying. I arrived at church this morning still trying to stop crying. (Choir people, I love y'all, and I know you want to support me, but I couldn't talk about this yet because I was still processing it.) Then during the Sunday services while I was singing in the choir, God kept showing me more details about the picture of me hugging His thigh. In one picture, I was crying and leaking my tears onto His thigh. In another picture, I was reminded of a time many years ago when I literally cried into the lap of a mentor chick while I was confessing a "sin." (God was basically saying, "Don't cry in her lap. Cry in Mine.") I was like, "Why am I not snuggling between Your shoulders?" He was like, "You need My thigh."

Then He started showing me images that were more disturbing. He showed me a picture of me lying on His lap while I was face up, but I was wearing a wedding dress that was soaked with my blood, and I looked like I was in a lot of pain. It reminded me of a scene I saw in a horror movie. (In my previous job, I was sometimes assigned to compose closed captions for horror movies. Unless coerced, I try to avoid horror movies like the plague. That was one reason why I was very OK with getting laid off.) So, in this terrible picture, God was like, "You're hemorrhaging." He meant that my soul was hemorrhaging. I was like, "Doesn't that require emergency surgery?" Then I kept seeing a picture of Him sewing up the wound to stop the hemorrhaging, but I was still hurting emotionally. During parts of the day, I had crazy thoughts zip through my mind, and God was like, "You can't control your thoughts when you're hemorrhaging. It affects everything."

Finally, I realized that I couldn't perform surgery on myself. I think I was overanalyzing myself emotionally. (My therapist would be proud...?) So, God showed me that I needed to let Him do the surgery. And I also realized that in the picture He kept showing me, I needed to hug His thigh in order to stop the bleeding, form a clot, and let Him do the surgery and stop the hemorrhaging. So, I took a break from the emotional stuff and tried to relax this afternoon and get my mind off my issues. Then God was showing me a picture of a happy me, no hemorrhaging, hugging His thigh. (I hope my therapist doesn't disapprove of me taking a break from working through my issues so that I could let my brain rest. Meh.)

And I'm fine now. My emotions are calm, and my cat is literally purring between my shoulders while I type this.

I liked seeing pictures (I guess theologians would call these "visions") of me hugging God's thigh. I like the idea of drawing my strength from Him. I want to depend on Him for strength. I can't kill giants all by myself.

Maybe Joseph realized this, too, while he was stuck in prison. I mean, when you're suddenly thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by your own family, serving a bunch of foreigners, one of whom makes a pass at you and then accuses you of rape after you rightfully turn her down, and then are thrown into a prison and virtually forgotten, wouldn't you need Somebody strong to lean on? Wouldn't you need Somebody explaining to you what's happening before and after they warn, "This will feel... a little weird"? Wouldn't you need Somebody with a sturdy, dependable lap to surrender your weakness into? Wouldn't you need a place to rest, a place to hug, a place to wait for deliverance?

I know I did. I know I do. I know I will.

As a side note, I respect my therapist, and I appreciate the professional help I'm getting during this season of my life. But my therapist definitely doesn't have all the answers. In fact, she's been confirming lots of stuff that God had spoken to me previously. God was my only Therapist last year. He knows me better than anyone else is ever going to know me, so He knows exactly how to treat me with 100% pinpoint accuracy, beyond anything I could ever detect with my five senses. He was, is, and will always be The Perfect Counselor.

So, I want to hug God's thigh for the rest of my life. And I want to hug His neck. And I want to hug His face. And I want to hug His arm. And I want to hug His waist. And I want to hug His nose. And I want to hug His ear. And I want to hug anything else that He will let me hug. I need Him.