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This blog post is rated R for... uh... trust me. It just needs to be rated R.

I'm about to offer a disclaimer that might be longer than the actual blog-post content itself. While God has been majorly healing my heart, overhauling His temple (aka me), and restoring me, it's been a wild ride, and I've had to hold on tight. Stuff has happened that I was expecting, and stuff has happened that I was absolutely not expecting at all. But He's known about all of it ahead of time. He's a very efficient God, and I think He likes to tackle several issues simultaneously. I guess it's kinda like when you take your cat to the vet for a procedure that will require general anesthesia, and the vet asks if there's anything else you'd like to have taken care of while your pet is unconscious, i.e., blood samples drawn or nails clipped.

However, I don't think God has offered me anesthesia, and I have been quite conscious during every adjustment. It's my pain to handle, and I can take it because He can strengthen me and help me take it. Dealing with truth that has been bubbling up out of the ground Psalm-85wise has involved me having to be honest about things that I never dreamed I'd be honest about. All along, things were right under my nose that I didn't smell properly. But my nose seems to be working fine now. What I don't want to do is smear other people in the process. In this post, I will need to talk about specific people, and I'll need to be as vague as that headbanging photo of my cat that I displayed at the beginning of this post.

She isn't actually headbanging. She's trying to play with my camera strap, as usual. I wanted to have a picture with this post, but since I don't own any web-ready pictures of Freddie Mercury, I decided to take a picture of whatever was near my camera. Choochie wins!

Yes, I'm going to talk about Freddie Mercury again. I would like to reiterate that I highly respect him as a musician and as an artistic genius. If you'd like to catch up on what I said the last time I blogged about him, you can check it out here. If you don't know who he is, he was the lead singer for the rock band Queen, and he died of AIDS in the early 1990s. From what I understand, he was openly bisexual and almost openly gay, but if you'd like more information about him, the internet has lots of it for you to research for yourself. So, all that to say, I'm going to talk about Freddie Mercury (whom I admire posthumously), and I'm also going to talk about other people (whose identity I choose to paint vaguely).

"O you afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires." (Isaiah 54:11)

Sometimes healing can be wonderful and ooey-gooey, but sometimes it can be severely brutal. During severely brutal moments/hours/days, I'm not always in a place where I can openly cry out to God. I'm sometimes not in a place where I can openly cry tears. I'm sometimes in a place where I have to stare at a computer screen and maintain my composure. So, very recently while I was trying to keep it together while staring at a computer screen, I was internally screaming out to God, and I pulled up Bible verses on the internet. For example, if I remember correctly, at one point I used my computer's cursor, highlighted the part in Luke 15:31 that says "you are always with me, and all that I have is yours," and I basically told God, "I want this to be enough for me."

Sometimes during these externally calm-looking, internally storm-raging times, I need to find an outlet for heart-lightening or humor or emotional catharsis. Very recently, during one of these times after I had already internally screamed out to God and calmed down with some scripture, etc., I decided to listen to some Queen on YouTube. (I'm extremely picky about the kind of music I listen to, so when I discover "new" music, it's usually from the 70s, and it's usually from Europe, because this artsy-fartsy chick likes complex chord progressions.) I selected "Another One Bites the Dust," which was written by the band's bass player (not Mr. Fahrenheit), from the band's official YouTube channel. I saw the beginning of the video, and then I let it keep playing in the background while I continued with my day. I had definitely heard the song before, and I had seen the video before, but this time when I saw part of it, something clicked. In this particular video, Freddie Mercury slaps himself (I think just in the thigh) and does his usual flamboyant performance. But this time, his mannerisms reminded me of somebody I used to know, and I affectionately smiled.

As I proceeded with my day, I noticed after a while that I was enjoying lots of peace again, and I was enjoying the calmness that God created in my day. I talked to Him about it later, and I think I asked Him what the turning point was in the day. He said it was when I saw Freddie Mercury slap himself.

Some people go on retreats and get glorious inner-healing revelations. Some people talk to therapists and cry into Kleenex boxes while professional counselors tell them lifechanging things. But I got my breakthrough while I saw Freddie Mercury slap himself on YouTube. I know God knows exactly what I need, but I think sometimes when He plans it ahead of time, He's like, "Yep, My little random chick is definitely gonna need something random for this. Why walk through the front door when you can fly through the roof on a submarine?" Yes, of course it makes sense. To me. So, while Freddie Mercury slapped and strutted his stuff, he reminded me of another man that I used to know.

This other man was also a very flamboyant, hyper, quirky person, especially with those closest to him. I can't speak for everybody, but I can speak for me. Speaking for myself, oh my gosh. It was so obvious. How could I have missed it? This person's homosexual tendencies were right under my nose, and I didn't see them because I grew up with them, and probably also because this person was constantly on a pedestal. You'd also be amazed how much whitewash can temporarily cover up.

So, during this very gradual download, God slowly pulled me back and helped me see the big picture. I really think these people who I was around most of my life had major sexual, emotional, mental, and enmeshment issues. I was (literally) exposed to things and situations that a little girl should NOT be exposed to. These were situations that a little girl should be protected from. You can't just let a little girl think she's going to watch a grown man take a shower and then laugh hysterically at the misunderstanding before anything catastrophic happens. You can't just tell a little girl to nap topless in the same bed where a grown man is napping. You can't just allow a grown man to walk around carelessly naked in the same house where your grown-up little girl lives. You can't just allow a little girl to watch a grown man receive an injection on his butt. You can't just micromanage a little girl's urine sample when she's old enough to pee in a cup for herself at the doctor's office. You can't just assume that your little girl will grow up to allow you to be a surrogate mother for your own grandchild.

In short, eww.

I mean, oh my gosh. No offense, but no wonder you don't have any grandchildren. How incompetent do you think we are, that we supposedly can't even bear children without you? I'm sorry, but I don't think the world has enough whitewash to cover up the disgustingness of... I don't even know what to call it. I'm getting nauseous just typing about it.

I think maybe God was getting nauseous, too, when He finally said, "OK, that's enough," reached down, and pulled me out of the cesspool. He's been in the process of washing me off, deodorizing me, and drying me off ever since.

And another one bites the dust.

So, something clicked when I began strutting to the beat of this tune in my head. Yes, those of us who are done being victims and are learning how to be more than conquerors, we strut. We have a very "Don't mess with me, you [insert name of enemy here], 'cause I'm going to win no matter what you hurl at me" attitude.

" 'No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me,' says the Lord." (Isaiah 54:17)

I feel vindicated. I feel like I made a good decision to leave a harmful environment, and I feel like it's been confirmed. God rescued me from a bad situation, permanently. He knew what He was doing. Just today, I noticed that Job lost everything, and even his health was threatened, but his life was spared, and God made sure from the very beginning of the Book of Job that Job's life would be spared. So, living out a Job-like trial has been excruciating, but I've still got a pulse, I'm still in one piece, and ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

I'm still learning to know the difference between pride (which I don't want) and confidence (which I need), but God will teach me. He's brought me this far, and I know He's gonna finish what He started. Jesus was stripped of everything when He was dying on the cross for me -- He lost friends, family, and dignity in a way that I worship Him for enduring. If anyone knows what I'm going through, it's Him. I want to learn from Him.

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