Soul-dancing

Disclaimer: I'm about to share my opinion, my experience, my soapbox. Currently, I'm not an ordained minister, a licensed therapist, or a church employee. I'm an artist who has opinions. My blog is very much like a "my life is like an open book" public journal. I hope what I share here will help you on your journey, or perhaps help you voice something that you haven't been able to put your finger on yet, or perhaps just entertain you while I share my perspective. Oh, look -- a picture of my cat! Happy smile. She only thought she was taking a nap. But she was actually pre-posing for a spontaneous photo.

"Now the Lord is the Sprit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty." (2 Corinthians 3:17)

In terms of living the Christian life, going to church, walking with other believers, etc., it is my opinion that teaching is a process that is separate from shepherding (or pastoring). It is true that teachers shepherd people. It is also true that shepherds teach people. But in my opinion, teaching is a black-and-white process while shepherding is a gray process. When a teacher teaches, he or she often speaks in very black-and-white terms, i.e., "this is right," "this is wrong," "aim for this," or "stay away from this." When a shepherd shepherds, he or she often has to put out a fire or, frankly, fix what a teacher may have accidentally messed up. Or a teacher often has to speak truth into a situation that a shepherd may have accidentally messed up. In other words, if you go to a church and hear a sermon or attend a class, you're hearing a teacher teach. When you try to process what you heard at church, and you find somebody to help you digest the information, you're letting a shepherd shepherd. During this process, perhaps the teacher shepherds by leading you to a certain place that you weren't at before. Or perhaps the shepherd teaches by speaking truth into your life that you haven't heard before.

I hope this makes sense. I think the processes of teaching and shepherding are intermingled, but I also think they're two distinct processes. As a shepherd, I've had to help people sort through a teaching they heard and show them how they can apply it to their lives. This is a gray process because perhaps a person's heart was in the right place, but perhaps they received the teaching in a way that made them feel like they were doing something wrong. This has happened to me, too. As a sheep, I've needed people to point me to some teaching where I can get some truth. This is a black-and-white process because when you're hungry, you need to sit down and eat. We need teachers and shepherds simultaneously.

So, all that to say -- especially as a chick who's been getting healed up from spiritual abuse -- what you do with what you hear is important. Not everything you hear at church will apply to you; or maybe all of it will apply to you, and you need someone to help you know how to apply it.

And Jesus is the Ultimate Shepherd and the Ultimate Teacher simultaneously. Yeah, that's right. I dig Him ultimately.

I've talked a tiny bit before about the concept of "Freedom," especially in this blog entry and this blog entry. In terms of church curriculum, I've noticed that Freedom ministry does not always help me. It's been a wonderful launching pad. It's been an awesome vehicle in which to connect to my God. But it hasn't always helped me. Sometimes, it's unintentionally hurt me. For example, take the teaching "Self-pity is a sin." Uh, that doesn't help me feel better about myself. As another example, take the teaching "You're only as healthy as who you attract." Uh, does that mean that I'm nothing? because I haven't been attracting anybody. And yet, it's helpful to be aware of the fact that self-pity can be a sin and that if I'm attracting jerks, I probably still have lots of issues to work through.

See what I mean? Some of it helps me, some of it doesn't, some of it helps me sometimes, some if it helps me often. Maybe the variable is ME. Or maybe I've thought too much about the differences/interminglings between/of teaching/shepherding because I grew up in a professor/pastor's house. Oy vey! Will it never end??

Ahem. Happy smile. One thing that has sunken in quite thoroughly recently is 2 Corinthians 3:17 that I quoted above. Where God's Spirit is, there is Freedom. So, is Freedom something you get when you attend a Freedom class? Probably. Is Freedom something you get when a Freedom minister prays for you? Probably. Is Freedom something you have while you've been enjoying a year's worth of sobriety? Probably. Is Freedom something you have when you separate yourself from somebody who is harmful and who refuses to change? Probably. Is Freedom being in God's presence? Definitely.

One phrase in Christianese that bothers the heck out of me now is "practicing the presence of God." I think that's way too fancy of a way to say "hanging out with God." If you call a friend and say, "Hey, can I practice your presence?" they might have you committed or file a restraining order. Good grief. You call a friend and say, "Hey, can I hang out with you?" That's better. I think maybe the Christianese inventors probably realize that God can technically be anywhere at anytime, and meeting with Him isn't always exactly like meeting with a tangible human being. I'm not a theologian, so maybe I'm explaining this wrong. From what I understand, Psalm 139 says that God can be everywhere you are. (The Book of John further explains that this can happen especially after you accept Jesus' sacrifice for yourself and are eternally reconciled to God.) I'm not a teacher, so hopefully my black-and-white explanation didn't mess anything up for you. Please feel free to consult your local shepherd for your personalized dose of gray. Oy vey!

All that to say, here's what Freedom has meant to me lately. If Freedom is wherever God's Spirit is, then I'm walking in Freedom when I'm joyful, peaceful, or loving, and I'm interacting with God. If Freedom is wherever God's Spirit is, then I'm walking in Freedom when I'm having a severely crappy day, and I'm interacting with God.

If 2 Corinthians 3:17 is true (and it is), then I think that means I was walking in Freedom all those times I was literally bawling like a 3-year-old while I was driving through rush-hour traffic with tears streaming down my cheeks and I was talking to God and He was talking to me. If 2 Corinthians 3:17 is true (and it is), then I think that means I was walking in Freedom that one time that I had dangerously dark thoughts stuck in my head and the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit showed up in my bathroom with really concerned looks on their Faces (which I'll never forget) and asked me if I was OK. If 2 Corinthians 3:17 is true (and it is), then I think that means I was walking in Freedom that one time when I was reading a chapter in 2 Samuel and it clicked for me that the Bible isn't boring -- it's a real, living Book that was written by an exciting God -- and I fell to my knees and wept while I was talking out my revelation with my God. If 2 Corinthians 3:17 is true (and it is), then I think that means I was walking in Freedom all those times I told God I was hurting, often with tears, and quite often telling Him how bad I thought things sucked, and Him talking with me about how the things that bothered me were supposed to bother me.

I believe 100% firmly that Jesus is the only Way to connect to God, because He was the only One who lived a perfect life and who was qualified to be sacrificed for all humankind. So, I believe 100% that everybody needs Jesus (especially me). I also believe that God created everybody differently, with different giftings and personalities, so He probably interacts with everybody differently.

So, church teachings help different people at different degrees. I personally lately have had it up to "here" with teachings. I'm sick of theory. What I want is to practice what I've learned. What I want is people.

But that's just me, and that's where I am right now in my journey. I'm in an excruciatingly difficult leg of my journey where, quite frankly, life is a 24/7 suckfest except when I'm asleep. What makes life bearable is Freedom. That is, what makes life bearable, survivable, conquerable, is being connected to my God. I have to -- no, you don't understand -- I HAVE TO interact with Him, or I'll die. I am not exaggerating. He is my Life Source. I need Him, or I'm a goner.

That's why I can make a happy smile and my smile will be genuine. I can't ignore my pain (doing so is extremely unhealthy), but I can talk to my Daddy (God) about it, and He'll talk to me about it, and we'll hang out together, and we'll chitchat together, and I'll sing to Him, and He'll sigh, and we'll enjoy each other's company, and we'll enjoy our own little Eden right here in the middle of the 24/7 suckfest. He is my Life. He is my Love. He is my Freedom. He is my Power-Giver. He is my Helper. He is my Rescuer. He is my Restorer. He is my God.

For me, it's a lot like dancing. In that sense, God is my Partner. When you dance with a Partner, you have to move where He leads. You have to move how He moves. You have to watch Him, wait for Him, anticipate Him, trust Him, give yourself over to Him. You're at His mercy. You're enjoying His company, His nearness, His fragrance, His joy, His peace, His comfort, His safety. He's got you. You're good to go. All you have to do is hold on, let Him hold on to you, and follow. And enjoy the dance.

For example, I was about to head out to the beautiful coin laundromat this afternoon, but I felt like God my Dance Partner wanted me to blog instead. (I'm planning to venture to the laundromat later. This chick needs clean towels!) Knowing where He leads is always important, because I put Him in charge of my life. Knowing where He moves is always important, because I don't want to go anywhere without Him. Knowing where He is is always important, because I don't want to die -- no, you don't understand -- I NEED HIM. I dig Him, yes. I love Him, yes. I like Him, yes. I NEED HIM, HECK YES.

Now I understand more than ever why God had me soul-dance away from people who told me that I can't encounter Him the way Bible characters encountered Him. I was accidentally soul-dancing into my enemy's arms. I'm not saying that teaching isn't needed, or that shepherding isn't needed, or that discernment isn't needed, or that wisdom/prudence/understanding isn't needed. Quite the contrary. I've just learned the hard way that if anyone wants me to stay away from my God or explain Him away, I think that's a huge red flag. What I want and NEED to do is soul-dance into the arms of God my Dance Partner, 24/7.

By the way -- if you ever decide to dance or soul-dance a tango, I highly recommend Julio Iglesias.